News Anchors covering 2020 election projected to say “It’s Too Early To Call” exactly 2,573 times

“We have to cover a lot of dead air in between commercials” said director Charlie Stephens of the coverage of the 2020 election coverage.

“There’s only so many commercials we can run in between updates, and we can only say the same thing so many times before people start changing the channel.” He continues

Americans are glued to their televisions hoping for answers, whether hoping for their side to win, hate watching the updates or simply because they started day drinking early in the day once they got home from the long lines at the polls.

Never has television coverage during an election been more important, and news organizations know this and are taking full advantage, whether they have anything to say or not. But what to do with the extra time?

Guess we’ll go with the old standby “Too Early to Call”

“Duuuuude I love it!” responded first time voter Chad Hunt. “We’ve been partying all day bro! We had corn hole and beers in the afternoon, ballot shooters afterwards and keyword shots lately!”

Again the news coverage said “Too Early To Call” and the entire frat house roared with cheers as shots were sloppily poured for the umpteenth time since coverage started.

If nothing else, this election night will lead to a lot of cases of alcohol poisoning.

Today in History: Orson Wells broadcasts “Fake News” Martian Invasion

Happy Halloween from all of us a!

As we near the end of this year’s “Spoopy Season,” I’d like to share with you the curious tale of how Orson Wells and a radio group with a large imagination, some sound effects and rather convincing storytelling caused a panic nearly worldwide.

Orson Wells had been working with a group called the Mercury Theatre On Air, which was a low budget radio program that had specialized in doing adaptions of well known stories.

With Halloween coming up, the team hatched a plan to broadcast the “War of the Worlds” story as a real life breaking news segment that covered a Martian Invasion in New Jersey.

“I had conceived the idea of doing a radio broadcast in such a manner that a crisis would actually seem to be happening,” [Wells] said, “and would be broadcast in such a dramatized form as to appear to be a real event taking place at that time, rather than a mere radio play.”

To hear the broadcast in its entirety as well as read more about it, check out the write up of this famous broadcast

Fake News: Man Keeps Personal Opinion Off Facebook, Does Want Cookie For It

Alex Pennington of Newark, New Jersey made history last night when it was found out that he hasn’t actually posted any personal opinions on Facebook this year. Though there have been several opportunities to do so, Alex has chosen instead to keep posting web comics and photos of his food on the popular social networking site.

“I just don’t think it really matters,” Alex admitted in an interview earlier this week. Everything’s been kind of crazy so far this year, and though I do have opinions on what’s happening in my life, it’s just not something I feel like sharing on Facebook. I mean, I have friends on both sides, family members, co-workers as well as people I haven’t actually seen since High School on there!”

When asked what his opinions were, he stated that he didn’t want to share that with us as well. When we asked if he thought he was special because of how he felt on several issues, he declined comment.

We then asked if he wanted a cookie, and he accepted. We then shared a few Chocolate Chip Cookies and a glass of milk before parting ways.

Fake News: Florida Man Tries To Turn Gaming Obsession Into Career

“DING! Achievement Unlocked!” Marshall exclaimed, instead of answering our question. He barely looked up from his gaming monitor and kept excitedly typing on his brand new Razr Keyboard. His desk was covered in candy bar wrappers, empty bags of Hot Cheetos and half-empty bottles of what we assume is Mountain Dew.

Marshall Brown (32) of Pensacola Florida became a Trillionaire (in game) yesterday after a long gaming session of Grand Theft Auto:V, Counter-Strike: Global Offensive and several other video games, First Person Shooters and Role Playing Games, such as “Skyrim and World of Warcraft.”

“It took a lot of hard work, but it’s finally paid off. Now I can quit the grind and finally start enjoying my life online,” said Mr. Brown.

We visited Mr. Brown yesterday at his small one bedroom apartment in downtown Pensacola. He was casually reclining in his custom gaming computer chair next to a computer he had built himself, presumably to aid in his journey to fortune and fame.

“Oh this? Yeah it cost about $800, but that’s nothing for a high-roller like me. I’m currently working on how to transfer all this money that I’ve earned across several games into one bank account so I can start paying some bills. I have student loans piling up.”

Marshall has been out of work for the last month, and instead of looking for a new job, he’s been online nearly every waking moment trying to “beat every last game that’s been piling up.”

“It’s been driving me nuts, stupid job kept getting in the way of my play time. It’s nice to not have to punch in and wear a nametag for at least a little while.”

Marshall, who goes by the gamertag “xXx_yolo_swaggins_420_get$_xXx” has been playing video games since he was fired from his job at a local grocery store for being caught stealing Cheetos during his lunch break.

“That job was stupid anyway, I’m gonna be a famous Youtuber! Then they’ll be sorry they fired me!”

In between headshots and running pedestrians over with a stolen police car, Marhsall will occasionally look at a second monitor he’s set up to make sure that the camera gets a good angle of his face while he streams Grand Theft Auto: V and makes snarky comments to his viewers on Twitch.

Marshall hasn’t showered in five days, and sleeps at his desk. He’s dedicated to getting his Streaming Career off the ground, and we wish him the best of luck. He asks that you like, subscribe and follow him across several gaming platforms.

Fake News: Area Man Not Happy To Be in Group Chat

(Dayton, OH) Local resident Steven Klepper was angry to find out today that he had been added to a group chat consisting of his small group friends. He has since been complaining that “Someone keeps blowing up my phone with constant attacks of unfunny links, memes and photos” that he says he could care less if he sees.

“It’s really getting obnoxious” he said in an interview earlier today, “I don’t know who added me, but I’m about to toss my phone. I’m at work and get a constant barrage of texts and I’m like ‘guys can’t this wait until we all hang out this Friday?'”

Steve’s frustration isn’t uncommon as the average American can find themselves in up to 10 simultaneous group chats, between their built-in phone apps, work-related apps and chats, or their social networking apps,” Dr. Eric Chapman told our reporters.

A study conducted in 2015 concluded that the constant buzzing or notifications has made people a lot more on edge, and is actually damaging to personal relationships. It has shown that there has been a 15% decrease in friendship levels overall, within the test group.

“If this trend continues, people may go from being mildly annoyed, to actually getting upset with their friends.”

Dr. Chapman continued, “There are ways to help those that have been afflicted by this awful problem. Simply turning the phone’s notifications off would help, but sometimes you have to actually silence your phone or that app completely to make the pain stop. Setting your phone to “Do Not Disturb” also helps.

Are you or a loved one suffering from “Multiple Group Chat Notifications?” Please, get them the help they need, before it’s too late.